Braun Cheats Baseball

Let's be honest- Ryan Braun is a cheater. His 50 game suspension was only overturned due to a techni-freakin-cality in the handling of his specimen. The way his specimen was transported or handled did not effect what was actually in his piss, and what was in his piss showed use of performance enhancing drugs. Yet, here we are beginning spring training in 2012 and Braun is a free man. Just goes to show cheating will bring you fame and fortune. Braun didn't win the MVP award because of his natural "brawn", rather elevated levels of testosterone. Bullshit!!!

Belasario Likes the Nose Candy

Los Angeles Dodgers relief pitcher Ronald Belasario hasn't pitched in the Majors since 2010. He missed all of last season because of via issues and now the problem is revealed as a failed drug test. Belasario was busted for snorting some good ol' fashioned nose candy...yep, cocaine. He now faces a 25-game suspension to begin the 2012 season. And like many people that fail the piss test, he claims that it was a one time thing. Sure it was Ronald. It's your lie, tell it like you want. Maybe he can go do a couple lines with Ron Washington, Darryl Strawberry, Dwight Gooden, and the ghost of Steve Howe.

"I don't have a problem with any drugs. It was a one-time thing."
~Ronald Belasario

Niese Gets Nose Job. Beltran Pays?

The big news outta Mets camp is starting pitcher Jon Niese got a nose job over the winter. He claims it's to help him breath better, but rhinoplasty may have been done for aesthetics considering his nose was ginormous.

Funny part of the story, ex-Mets outfielder Carlos Beltran may be footing the bill. Before Beltran was traded to the Giants last summer, he joked with Niese suggesting he get a nose job. The rest is history...

"He wanted me to have a new nose. So he offered to pay for it. I was just like, 'All right.' Then it turned into seeing doctors and to getting it fixed."
~Jon Niese

Glory Days

Enjoy Bruce Springsteen's Glory Days set to some vintage baseball cards...

You Can't Keep a Good Idiot Down- Jose Canseco

Jose Canseco is back! How excited are you?


Canseco is trying to latch on with a Mexican League's AAA team- Quintana Roo Tigers. The former juicer doesn't want to give up his dream, and at age 47 thinks he still has something left in the tank. My guess is the only thing he has in his tank is anabolic steroids.

Canseco last played in the Majors with the White Sox back in 2001. He retired in infamy after 17 seasons and 462 homers. Since "retiring", he has published a book in which he claimed 85% of MLB players were on performance enhancing drugs, appeared on VH1's Surreal Life making a total ass out of himself, and signed up for celebrity boxing matches, but sent his lookalike brother Ozzie instead.

Jose played Independent League ball in 2006 and again last year. He just doesn't know when to quit.

Plan for the Orioles to Contend

Let's be honest, the Baltimore Orioles suck. That's not rude, it's truthful. The Yankees are the toast of the AL East, while the Rays, Red Sox, and Blue Jays aren't too far behind. Far behind are the O's though, very far behind. Well, I believe I found a way for them to contend this season. No, not signing Roy Oswalt, who is still a free agent. Nope, use this baseball grenade and their pitchers will throw shutouts every game, while their offense can attempt to put a couple runs across the plate for the victory. Of course if one of the pitchers gets a little wild, we might have a casualty on our hands instead of just a blown up bat.

Clyburn- Former Oriole & Devil Ray Murdered

Danny Clyburn was murdered in South Carolina Tuesday night. He was shot and killed by Derrick Lamont McIlwain, who turned himself into authorities.

Clyburn was only 37 years old at the time of his death. He is the former 2nd round pick of the Pittsburgh Pirates in 1992 and played parts of 3 seasons with the Baltimore Orioles and Tampa Bay Devil Rays (1997-1999). The outfielder hit .211/.629 in 41 games in his career. He was also a member of the Cincinnati Reds organization after the Pirates traded him, and he played for Newark in the Independent League as well up until 2004.

Would You Rather?

Would you rather grab Charlie Hustle's bat or her phat Asstro?

Priced for Quicksale

Greetings, dear readers!

I realize that its been a long time since I've last posted a cartoon on this site, but contrary to what you may have been thinking, I'M NOT DEAD (though the way school's been putting me through the wringer, you'd think I would be by now).

In fact, to prove that I'm still alive, here's my most recent cartoon!



While scanning my Facebook feed one day for interesting stories to read, I came across a video from MLB that mentioned that Vladimir Guerrero, Pudge Rodriguez, and Johnny Damon are still unsigned. Upon hearing this little shocker (specifically because it involved Pudge, my second-favorite catcher in the MLB), I began to think.

All three men are old (ESPECIALLY Vlad Guerrero) and injury prone. Because they're old, they're not gonna be pulling in as much salary as they used to. What are agents to do with such athletes?

Just like the cart in the back of the grocery store that has all the day-old and very-close-to-expiration-date food that must be sold dirt-cheap, our three free-agents find themselves occupying a rack on that unfortunate cart, hoping that some team will sign them soon so they can get back to serving their rightful purpose.

Enjoy your Super Bowl weekend! Go Giants!
Tamtam

Umpire Ass Issues

Hello swamp ass...

This umpire has a homemade venting system in his pants to help prevent foul balls.

Free Agenst Squad 2012

Every offseason around this time (calendar turns to February) I look at the remaining free agents and compose a 25-man roster/team out of the unsigned. Below you will find my 2012 version of the unwanted.



Starting 9:
Stat Key- AVG/OPS, R, Double, Triples, Homeruns or Extra Base Hits, RBI, Stolen Bases.

Jason Varitek/C (39) - .221/.723, 32 R, 10 DBL, 11 HR, 36 RBI

Derrek Lee/1B (36) - .267/.771, 55 R ,17 DBL, 19 HR, 59 RBI.

Aaron Miles/2B (35) - .275/.660, 49 R, 23 XBH, 45 RBI.

Eric Chavez/3B (34) - .263/.676, 16 R, 10 XBH, 26 RBI.

Edgar Renteria/SS (35) - .251/.654, 34 R, 19 XBH, 36 RBI.

Johnny Damon/LF (38) - .267/.743, 79 R, 29 DBL, 7 TRPL, 16 HR, 73 RBI, 19 SB.

Rick Ankiel/CF (32) - 239/.659, 46 R, 20 DBL, 9 HR, 37 RBI, 10 SB.

Kosuke Fukudome/RF (34) - .262/.712, 59 R, 27 DBL, 8 HR, 35 RBI.

Casey Kotchman/DH (28) - .306/.800, 44 R, 24 DBL, 10 HR, 48 RBI.

Bench:
Ramon Castro/C (35) - .235/.763 in 23 games.

Vladimir Gurrero/OF/DH (36) - .290/.733, 60 R, 30 DBL, 13 HR, 63 RBI.

Raul Ibanez/OF/DH (39) - .245/.707, 65 R, 31 DBL, 20 HR, 84 RBI.

Miguel Tejada/UTL (37) - .239/.596, 28 R, 20 XBH, 26 RBI.

Lineup:
1. Fukudome/RF
2. Damon/LF
3. Kotchman/DH
4. Lee/1B
5. Ankiel/CF
6. Chavez/3B
7. Varitek/C
8. Miles/2B
9. Renteria/SS

Rotation:
Stat Key- Wins, Games Started, Innings Pitched, ERA/WHIP, BB:K.

Roy Oswalt (34) - 9 W, 23 GS, 139 IP, 3.69/1.34, 33:93.

Edwin Jackson (28) - 12 W, 31 GS, 199.2 IP, 3.79/1.44, 62:148.

Jon Garland (32) - 1 W, 9 GS, 54 IP, 4.33/1.39, 20:28.

Rich Harden (30) - 4 W, 15 GS, 82.2 IP, 5.12/1.43, 31:91.

Brad Penny (33) - 11 W, 31 GS, 181.2 IP, 5.30/1.56, 62:74.

Bullpen:
Stat Key- Wins, Games, Innings Pitched, ERA/WHIP, BB:K, Holds.

Luis Ayala (34) - 2 W, 52 G, 56 IP, 2.09/1.27, 20:39, 4 HLD.

Todd Coffey (31) - 5 W, 69 G, 59.2 IP, 3.62/1.26, 20:46, 10 HLD.

Micah Owings (29) - 8 W, 33 G, 63 IP, 3.57/1.25, 23:44, 3 HLD.

Mike Gonzalez (33) - 2 W, 56 G, 53.1 IP, 4.39/1.35, 21:51, 8 HLD.

Juan Cruz (33) - 5 W, 56 G, 48.2 IP, 3.88/1.32, 28:46, 6 HLD.

Scott Linebrink (35) - 4 W, 64 G, 54.1 IP, 3.64/1.45, 21:42, 7 HLD.

Jamey Wright (37) - 2 W, 60 G, 68.1 IP, 3.16/1.33, 30:48, 16 HLD.

Honorable Mentions:
Bill Hall/UTL, Felipe Lopez/UTL, Alex Cora/UTL, Carlos Guillen/UTL, Hideki Matsui/DH, Magglio Ordonez/OF, Ivan Rodriguez/C, Chris Young/SP, Doug Davis/SP, Kyle Davies/SP, Arthur Rhodes/LHP, Jason Isringhausen/RHP, and Shawn Camp/RHP.