Monday, March 08, 2010

Spring Training For The Fans

While the boys of summer are enduring rigorous training and practice games, the rest of us are gearing up for Fantasy drafts and a baseball season full of nachos and beer. So what do we, as baseball fans, need to do in order to prepare for the upcoming season? I have a couple of suggestions for a regimen of workouts that will, over the next 28 days, acclimate our atrophied bodies and minds back to where they were at the close of the 2009 season.

Exercise 1: Recliner Squat
With all the snow that has dominated the Midwest and Eastern Seaboard over the past two months, no doubt your arms, neck, and back have suffered a great deal of stress due to intense shovelling. The first workout is designed to reverse the harmful effects this trauma may have had by relaxing those damaged triceps, biceps, quads, and glutes.
***Step One: Before beginning this exercises, it is necessary that you are wearing proper clothing. Sweatpants, loose fitting jeans, and boxers are appropriate, as are tank tops, T-shirts, and flannel shirts. Ball caps are optional.
***Step Two: Go to the room in your house where there is a large, preferably flat, screen television. Face the TV, while standing in front of your recliner. Please note, that if you do not have a recliner, a rocking chair, couch, or love seat will do.
***Step Three: Once in proper position, bend your knees, while keeping your back upright (not necessarily straight). Keep bending your knees until your backside hits the chair. Note: This exercise can be modified by holding a plate stacked precariously high with chips or nachos, while carrying a beer or two.
***Step Four: Move backwards until your back is firmly against the back of the chair and relax. If the option is available, pull down on the footstool release and prop up your feet. A dog, coffee table, Ottoman, stool, or stack of magazines can also be used as a suitable substitute. When it is getting up is necessary, use the following procedure:

Exercise 2: Refrigerator/Kitchen/Bathroom Dash
Every good exercise routine must include cardio. During commercial intervals, as the beer is getting empty, or the bladder is getting full, quickly remove yourself from the ending position from the first exercise. Run, jog, or walk to the desired location allowing yourself enough time to perform necessary actions, and return to the recliner. Note: Ambling, loping, and moseying is not advisable, as you may miss a portion of the broadcast.

Exercise 3: Beer Curl
Staying hydrated is critical while exercising. This activity is designed to keep you hydrated while working the often neglected wrist, elbow, and forearm.
***Step One: Procure a nearby alcoholic beverage (acquired either from Refrigerator Dash, or from a nearby cooler). Grasp beer bottle/can firmly in one hand.
***Step Two: Slowly raise the bottle/can to approximately mid-torso level.
***Step Three: Using the other hand, remove lid, or pop the top.
***Step Four: Raise beer to lips and tip forward.
***Step Five: Slowly lower arm, and rest beer on the arm of the chair or knee.
Repeat as many times as desired.

Maximum Number of Reps: Repetition of this workout routine should be done sparingly. Repeat only if there is a need for more chips, beer, or trips to the restroom. Remember to stretch during seventh inning to prevent injury, especially during double headers.

Suggested Group Activities:
Beer Toss Relay, Cooler Lift & Carry (for maximum results, store cooler and/or beer in basement), Live Action Replay, Ball Cap Keep Away, Remote Control Rugby, and the classic Beer Run

Richard Simmons Walks it Out


GM-Carson said...

"This activity is designed to keep you hydrated while working the often neglected wrist, elbow, and forearm."

Funny, I would have pegged you as a guy that did this motion daily.

Burton said...

Well yeah, but you have to work the other arm too.

tamtam said...

Hehe!! I love this! Best way to burn calories while enjoying your favorite sport!

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