Thursday, October 01, 2009


Dear Fellow Rangers,

Greetings Friends! I am enjoying a relaxing off season here in sunny Venezuela. I have decided this year to take it kind of slow, especially after my excursion last year to wrestle an anaconda. So, I've done a little painting, and as a diversion from the mundane, I've picked up a little bullfighting as well.

Right now, I am just learning as much of the basics as possible. Lessons so far have been pretty easy. First, I was able to pick out my own traditional uniform, known as the traje de luces, or suit of lights. It includes the jacket, a montera (the hat), and really tight pants. The trousers are far more restrictive than what we are used to, especially when I try to pull them up and over my enormous brass balls. Fortunately, I am still able to move quickly.

Next, I learned to stand in the same ring with a charging bull without losing control of my bowels. This proved a bit more challenging than I initially anticipated, but I did finally master my fear. I then was taught how to properly handle a sword, and where on the bull was most vulnerable. I have yet to do well with this, but as I said, I am only learning the basics. Bulls are faster and bigger that they appear, and I am not as fast as I was when I started out with the Mariners. Incidentally, I may not be able to return in time for the start of next season. Tell Elvis I said not to worry, I'll still be there for him as soon as I am released.

Despite this minor setback, I plan to continue with my training. If I don't get signed by the Rangers next year, I will have bullfighting to fall back on. Either that or I may try my hand at sky diving, base jumping, or Arctic cave diving - you know, something easy. I had better close for now, as it is time to change bandages. I hope to see you all at Spring Training! ¡Hasta Luego!

P.S. I have also started my own band here. We are called Guante de Oro.


GM-Carson said...

Omar Vizquel is a true renaissance man.

tamtam said...

hey carson-congrats on the phillies clinching the NL east! i hope they go all the way again this year!

burtie, your post today reminded me of an article i saw on deadspin a few days ago. junior seau, former linebacker for the san diego chargers football team almost got gored by a bull. if your entry has any basis in reality, i have to wonder whats the deal with old, has-been athletes and bullfighting?

Burton said...

Yup, it is valid. He wants to fight the bulls this offseason.

tamtam said...

oy! thus, my bewilderment remains valid

Burton said...