Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Maskot Kombat

On the whole, mascots are fun, but they can be a touch obnoxious. Your team is down because they are acting as if they were left on the Tilt o' Whirl a bit too long as babies and the announcers are running their mouths too much. You're generally feeling pretty shitty, when a fuzzy giant comes bounding into the stands with a fixed grin plastered across its massive face and begins to annoy the piss out of you. Suddenly you have visions of tearing the foam out of the furry (or feathery) beast...you smile, and relax a little. A little violence can be cathartic, and it would be fun to set mascot against mascot in a battle to the faux fur and latex finish. For no particular reason, I start in the AL Central and pit paws and claws against purple and polka dots.

Cleveland Indians' Slider versus Royals' Sluggerrr.

Round 1, FIGHT!
It's really no contest. Although Slider is older by almost 6 years, an inductee in the Mascot Hall of Fame, and a non-offensive replacement for Chief Wahoo. Slider's only move is a center field somersault kick, Sluggerrr has a hot dog cannon, and sharp claws. His association with the Royals is a stretch at best (Royals=Kings=King of the Jungle), but at least he makes more sense than the Suessian Slider. Round 1 goes to Sluggerrr.

Round 2, FIGHT!
Round 2 again sees Sluggerrr victorious. Excellent!

Finish Him!
Sluggerrr wins...Fatality!

Speaking of crossing franchises...

Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe Trailer
A Little Payback

~Bootlegger comments on the changes made by the Detroit Lions' logo and uniforms. At least the Lions can spell their friggin' names right!

~No Guts No Glory dives into the controversy of protecting Doc Gooden's signature on the wall of the Met's sparklin' new stadium.

~The Love of Sports examines the Top 10 Batting Stances. I'm glad they got Jeff Bagwell's sack draggin' squat in there (at #5).

~The guys at Major League Jerk provide a summary of the AL West Division.

~P.S.A.M.P. spots former Steeler's Coach Bill Cowher's amazing teeth at the home of my Carolina Hurricanes during a game against the New Jersey Red Devils.


GM-Carson said...

I wondered why the hell the Royals had a lion as their friggin mascot...now I know. I'm in the mood to go slice and dice people Baraka-style on Mortal Kombat now.

GM-Carson said...

I just watched the MK vs. DC trailer and that quite possibly may be the coolest video game ever.

tamtam said...

for your next fight, have southpaw (that vomit-green, fuzzy, grinchy-looking thing my sox have as their mascot) fight against the phanatic. may the best mascot win

GM-Carson said...

The Phanatic wins every Kombat tournament without question. He kicks so much ass that GI Joe, He-Man, Batman, Superman, and all the X-Men bow before him.

tamtam said...

ok...well, how about southpaw vs. that annoying brewers mascot or that bumbling san diego padre?

Burton said...

The Phanatic has a list of kick ass accessories as long as my arm. He may be one of the wierdest looking mascots, but he's by far one of the coolest.

GM-Carson said...

He's not "one of the cooles", he IS the fucking coolest!

It's a good thing you didn't say "as big as my hand", in place of "as long as my arm", because we both know how petite your itty-bitty girlie hands are.

Dammit, nobody will find that funny but the two of us.

YouGabSports said...

I'll laugh at that, as long as I don't have to find out why you know he has petitte hands.

This was some pretty cool stuff. Looking forward to future installments.

GM-Carson said...

He's my HeBro, so naturally I've noticed his hand size.

Burton said...

GM-Carsonis a friggin' giant. I am diminuitive in stature, and do, unfortunately have small hands.

GM-Carson said...

What you lack in size you more than make up for in smartassness. I know that's not even a word, but I made it up, and mean it as a compliment.

FatGirl said...

Speaking as a non-biased third party... I like Burton's paw-like hands :) Its only part of the reason I married him

Nilfheim said...

Ha ha ha... That was genius. :D

Burton said...

I'm going to vote to put smartassness in the dictionary.

GM-Carson said...

I have other words to be added as well:


and many more I've made up over the years, but currently can't recall.

tamtam said...

hehehe. you guys never fail to amuse me :)

Burton said...

I'm going to use doucheopotamus from now on.

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