Monday, March 16, 2009

Major League Expansion, Part 5

In this, the final installment of potential expansion teams, states from the Mountain and Pacific regions will be given the teams they deserve. It has always struck me as unfair that while there are 30 teams in Major League Baseball, these teams only represent 18 states. The other 32, for whatever reason, have no representation in America's pastime. In the future, hopefully, their time will come. Perhaps they will use the following suggestions, and those from Parts 1, 2, 3, and 4.

Mountain Region
Montana - Montana Elks
Mascot: A baseball playing elk
Location of Field: Billings
Uniforms: White pants with a brown stripe, white shirt with brown pinstripes, brown hat with antlers.
Reason for Name: Montana contains the largest population of elk in the United States. The elk is also a powerful animal and there are no animals in the MLB with antlers.

Idaho - Idaho Spuds
Mascot: A Mr. Potato Head playing baseball (of course!)
Location of Field: Boise
Uniforms: Made of burlap sacks (with cotton under clothes so it is not too scratchy)
Reason for Name: It's Idaho! What else goes on there? Sure, I could have said Boise Sugar Beets, but that doesn't sound like a team with much force. I can hear people rooting for the Spuds. I can also hear advertisements: "Come to Boise for Spuds, Buds, and Suds!"

Wyoming - Wyoming Faithfuls
Mascot: Park Ranger
Location of Field: Cheyenne, if you build it slightly larger than most stadiums, then the entire population of the entire state can watch the games!Uniforms: White Pants, Blue jerseys, white hats
Reason for Name: Old Faithful is a national landmark, and a world-wide tourist attraction. Tourism is one of Wyoming's largest industries. I was seriously thinking about the name Little Bighorns, and have the team wear US Cavalry uniforms, but that probably would really piss people off.

Utah - Salt Lake City Serpents
Mascot: A huge snake
Location of Field: Salt Lake City
Uniforms: Black Pants with a bright green stripe, Black jerseys with bright green lettering, black hats Reason for Name: There aren't too many frightful things in Utah, except the Mojave Rattlesnake and the occasional polygamist. This one was also a special request from a good friend who created this team years ago and gave them the creme de la creme of Minor League players.

New Mexico - Santa Fe Scorpions
Mascot: A scorpion
Location of Field: Santa Fe
Uniforms: Red jerseys with black lettering, black pants with a red stripe
Reason for Name: We need more arachnids in baseball. Scorpions are not unique to New Mexico, but they sound pretty cool. It was either that or the New Mexico Mexicans.

Nevada - Carson City Cannibals
Mascot: An intrepid, yet ragged pioneer
Location of Field: Carson City, where fans will be served with HuFu hot dogs (human flavored tofu - yes, it does exist).
Uniforms: White pants, red jerseys all ripped and torn.
Reason for Name: This is in reference to the ill-fated Donner Party that met a gruesome end in the Sierra-Nevada Mountains. Those that survived the ordeal did so by resorting to cannibalizing those who had already perished. Some might think this name would be "in poor taste."

Pacific Region
Oregon - Portland Beavers
Mascot: Hmmm...a beaver?
Location of Field: Portland
Uniforms: Blue pants with a yellow stripe, blue jerseys with yellow lettering, blue hats
Reason for Name: It's a beaver. Imagine the possibilities with this. The Marlins may have the Mermaids, but can you imagine "Portland's own Beaver Dancers!"? The beaver is also Oregon's state animal, and it is featured on one side of their state's flag.

Hawaii - Hawaii Kilaueas
Mascot: A Volcano, who will, at random points throughout the game "eject" T-Shirts, baseballs, and other fan gifts
Location of Field: Hilo (Island of Hawaii)
Uniforms: Shorts, and a Hawaiian print shirt, surf hats
Reason for Name: Kilauea is the world's most active volcano. The word kilauea itself also means spewing which, of course, provides many sophomoric images and opportunities for humor.

Alaska - Alaskan Oilslicks
Mascot: Either a drunk oil tanker captain or an oil covered seagull
Location of Field: Anchorage
Uniforms: Black pants, light blue jerseys
Reason for Name: Houston had the Oilers, Alaska can have the Oilslicks. Alaska's major export is oil, and every now and then oil is not properly transported. So it seems only fitting to commemorate Alaska's contribution to the US economy in their potential baseball team.

Speculating has been fun. It would be nice if the sport continued to grow to include other states. Maybe, one day in the future there will be at least one team per state.

Speaking of speculators, and of the arduous journey to the American West...remember this game?

Oregon Trail Game


Melanie said...

Mr. Potato Head is so bad-ass!

GM-Carson said...

I wish I still had my word processor with the Salt Lake City Serpents saved on it. That team was awesome! Thanks for the shout-out.

I would own a Portland Beaver jersey in a heartbeat.

Burton said...


Ferrixtdg said...