Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Twins IV: Super-Sized Mitchell Report Edition

Just when you thought the fallout from the Mitchell Report was beginning to settle (with Clemens soon to testify and Bonds facing criminal charges), out pops Yankees' super star Alex Rodriguez with an admission that he too partook in steroid use. In light of this "tragic" event, this week's Twins will feature stars and steroids.

It is truly amazing to see how much Mark McGwire has changed over the last 25 years, and sure a lot can change on a person. With age, men usually tend to shrink (think of Conan Arnold versus the Governator). Looking at this baby-faced 1984 Rookie - who looks a lot like 1930s 'Our Gang' star, Spanky - it is hard to believe that this clean-shaven lad became...
...this guy. Poor post-roids McGwire looks like an old grizzly bear. A combination of age, steroids, and stress turned this former shining star into a swollen haggard villain. Even though McGwire has an impressive career total of 583 home runs, the likelihood of him becoming a member of the Hall of Fame is thin.
Another member of Mitchell's elite, Barry Bonds (here in 1984) favors Beverly Hills Cop Eddie Murphy. The 'stash, the machismo, the go get 'em stare...What happened to that up and coming Pirate?
Once labeled half of the "Killer B's" (along with former teammate Bobby Bonilla), the only thing he is killing now is his career. After years of steroid use, Barry Bonds now looks more like Rock Biter from Never Ending Story. He also became a Giant, in more ways than one.
Jason Giambi (c. 1990) is the spitting image of actor Steve Zahn. Giambi began his career as a strong slugger for the Oakland Athletics. Then, he discovered steroids, moved to the Yankees, and swelled up twice his original size, all in less than a decade! Just don't make him angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry...
Bobby Estalella during his roid-free stint as a Philadelphia Phillie strongly resembles Entourage star Jeremy Piven. A decent player during his first two years with the Phillies, his stats quickly fell.
Despite a lackluster career, he was able to achieve the status of "poster boy for the chemicals," according to a scout for the Dodgers. This Colossal prick's use of steroids was so prolific, it was even noticed by club officials. (That's got to be serious!)

There are at least 81 more names in the Mitchell Report. It is a shame to see these men, most with strong careers, some Hall of Fame worthy, blow it all over performance enhancing drugs. Babe Ruth belted his way into the hearts of millions and in the record books on beer and hot dogs. Why the hell was that not good enough for these guys?


Mad TV - Baseball and Steroids

22 comments:

GM-Carson said...

Best "Twins" post yet, fine work!

Burton said...

Thanks! I want beer and hot dogs now.

I just had the realization that I have the body of an athlete! Granted it is Babe Ruth, but still...that counts. Right?

sarah-bug said...

That video is hilarious! "...where my testicles used to be..." heh heh heh. :)

Love the article! I think Giambi was the most impressive. He's not even recognizable...

Thanks, guys!

GM-Carson said...

That Mad-TV clip is hysterical, I'm going to go watch it again.

Amanda said...

Hhahaha.

Nice video.

IRONPIGPEN said...

Giambi and the Hulk

Wow, nice work

GM-Carson said...

I wonder who Burton's twin is?

Burton said...

Mmmm, baseball player? Not sure. Movie star? Shrek.

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