Saturday, February 21, 2009

Randy Cocks and Dicks

Of course I am talking about names, what else would I be referring to? Despite the fact that I am a respected member of my profession, well educated, and nearly 30, there are some things I don't think I'll ever grow out of. This is immature, sure, but damn, it is too funny! You just can't make this up!

Sex Crazed
Randy Johnson - (1988 - Currently with Giants) What do you do with your randy johnson? Hopefully, you're lucky enough to find a randy bush!
Randy Bush - Score! Twins (1982 - 1993)

Anatomy
1. Jack Glasscock - But don't be too hard, it may break! (1879 -1895) Also Known as 'Pebbly Jack,' a slight improvement I suppose.
2. Jim Cockman - Played one year for New York Highlanders (1905)
3. Alan Cockrell - Played one year for Colorado Rockies (1996)
4. Pete LaCock - Yeah, everything sounds better in French. LaCock played for the Cubs (1972 - 76), and the Royals (1977 - 80)

An Armey of Dicks
Dick Armey was a representative from Texas, and served as House Majority Leader for 8 years. How is he relevant to this topic? He isn't, other than he was given this most unfortunate of names which serves as an excellent title for the following illustrious list.
1. Dick Brown - Don't touch it! You don't know where it's been! (1957 - 1965)
2. Dick Burns - Perhaps a doctor should take a look at that...It's not supposed to do that. (1883 - 1885)
3. Dick Cox - Wins the first award for 'Most Redundant Name in Baseball.' (1925 - 1926)
4. Johnny Dickshot - Hahahahahaha!!! Dickshot! (1936 - 1939, 1944 - 1945) White Sox
5. Dickie Flowers - What, like a bouquet? No thanks. (1871 - 1872)
6. Dick Fowler - What is he, a molester? (1941 - 1952)
7. Dick Green - Yeah, I'd definitely call a doctor at this point. If that keeps up, it will probably fall off. (1963 - 1974)
8. Dick Hoover - This is the best Gay Porn star name ever! 1952 Boston Braves pitcher, 7.71 ERA. SO he really DID suck!
9. Dick Hunt - Did not last a month in the sport! Maybe he was too busy hunting something to stay focused...(1872) Brooklyn Eckfords
10. Dick Lane - "Excuse me. How do you get to Dick Lane?" "Well you go up to Anal Avenue, turn north onto Taint Boulevard, pass Ball Street to your left. Take the next right onto Shaft Road, and you're there!" (1949) White Sox
11. Dick Littlefield - No one likes to hear the words dick and little in the same sentence, unless the words 'is not' is in between them. (1950 - 1958)
12. Dick Manville - As opposed to Pussy Womantown. (Boston Braves 1950), (Chicago Cubs 1952)
13. Dick Pole - Pitched for the Red Sox and Mariners (1973 -1978) and wins the second 'Most Redundant Name in Baseball' award.
14. Dick Wantz - It is bad enough being saddled by the nomenclature of 'Wantz.' Anything you put in front of it would result in an ass kicking on the playground. What were his parents thinking? "Oh! Let's name him Richard, so we can call him Dick so that he'll be sure to get the shit kicked out of him every day! Maybe he'll grow up to be President!" (1965)

Since We're In the Neighborhood
1. Jay Baller: On and off pitcher for the Phillies, Royals and Cubs over a broken period lasting from 1982 - 1992.
2. Harry Cheek: 1910, Catcher, Phillies. I'm not sure Mr. Cheek ever finished a game.
3. Brian Asselstine - His name sounds like a type of medicine no one wants. He was a Braves outfielder (1976 - 1981).
4. Paul Assenmacher - Pitched for 13 years in the majors (1986 - 1999).

Sexually Stilted Names
1 - 5. Cummings (Jack, Midre, Steve, John, and Candy). I'm sorry, I can't decide which one is worse: Jack Cummings, or Candy Cummings. I've never heard anyone describe it as candy.
6. Kosuke Fukudome - Wha'd you say to me? (2008, Cubs Outfielder)
7. Kazuo Fukumori - Well fukumori too, asshole! (2008, Rangers Pitcher)

Other Unfortunate Names
1. Rusty Kuntz - "Mom, do you ever get that 'Not-so-fresh-feeling?'" (1979 - 1985, OF/1B for White Sox, Twins, Tigers)
2. Dykes Potter - Pitched 2 games in 1938 for the Brooklyn Dodgers.
3. Jimmy Dykes - Played 21 years of baseball for the Philadelphia Athletics and the Chicago White Sox (1918 - 1939)
4. John Lickert - 1 Game as Catcher for the Boston Red Sox in 1981.
5. Elmer Sexauer - Every auer on the auer. Eventually, it will get sore! (Pitched 2 games for the Brooklyn Dodgers in 1948.)
6. Gaylord Perry - Pitched 777 games over a 21 year career spanning 1962 - 1983. (cumulative ERA, 3.11)

Fun With Names from the great and hysterical Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie

You gotta love British humor!

12 comments:

GM-Carson said...

"Excuse me. How do you get to Dick Lane?" "Well you go up to Anal Avenue, turn north onto Taint Boulevard, pass Ball Street to your left. Take the next right onto Shaft Road, and you're there!"

Best. Line. Ever!

Burton said...

I think that road will take you to Dick Manville, if you go the other way, you wind up in Pussy Womantown.

sarah-bug said...

You all enjoyed that WAY too much.

GM-Carson said...

Potty humor never gets old!

Burton said...

Nope, never!

Mr. A-Hole said...

Assenmacher...ha, he's an ass.

Philly Keith said...

Rusty Knutz was always my favorite....

Check out this Phillies fan forum www.phillykeith.com/phillies

IRONPIGPEN said...

Oh man! I had the Pole and LaCock baseball cards when I was a kid. A Catholic priest traded me Fred Lynn and Reggie Jackson for those two cards. At the time, I thought the priest was crazy. I couldn't understand why he wanted two nobodies. Fine investigative work as usual...

Burton said...

Wait, you're saying the priest wanted LaCock and a Pole?

Sketchy...

GM-Carson said...

Priests have a good sense of humor (dirty), one of their vices.

Burton said...

Dammit! I just found this, it was perfect for today!
http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/commencement-open/252557/

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