Thursday, February 12, 2009

Manages Armor (More Anagrams)

Anabolic Steroids = A Tool; Ascribed Sin
They have their medical purposes, but not when abused by multi-million dollar athletes. Like many baseball players of the past decade, I cannot seem to kick the habit. Using the art of anagrams on one of the most notorious of baseball's documents, the Mitchell Report, I have uncovered truths about players faster than a Senate hearing.

Alex Rodriguez = Realize: Drug Ox - Oh, the press will wind up forgiving you. The fans will wind up forgiving you, especially since it was such a "loosey-goosey era" for you. Poor little Alex couldn't stand the heat or pressure of Texas, so he had to take pills to get by. The Rod claims that he only used steroids for three years, and he has been clean since moving to the Yankees. I know he wasn't in the Mitchell Report, but he is serving as my muse for the week.

Kirk Radomski = Dark Rim Kiosk
Former Mets batboy, equipment manager, clubhouse assistant, and snitch, Kirk Radomski, "was a major dealer of anabolic steroids and performance-enhancing drugs whose clientele was focused almost exclusively on Major League Baseball players," according to assistant U.S. Attorney Matt Parrella. "He operated for approximately a decade." He kept his business going on the fringe of major league baseball, getting referrals via word of mouth.

William Roger Clemens = “Allege Crime?” Worn Slim!
Something tells me federal agents could remove a hypodermic needle from his ass and he'd still deny it was ever there. Clemens is still sticking to his innocence. We've all heard it, and his balking is wearing a little thin.

David Justice = I'd Adjust Vice
David Justice apparently only used Radomski's services two or three times during his tenure as a Yankee. Fortunately for him, he apparently stopped after this, then retired.


Rafael Palmeiro = I feel amoral rap.
OOPS! I HOPE THAT WASN'T STEROIDS! Palmeiro used steroids, he just didn't know he had used them, repeatedly. He was, apparently, wronged when he was suspended for ten days, for not using steroids. His reputation has thus been dented, by accident, of course.

Armando Rios = An Arm On 'Roids
What more needs to be said? Red's right fielder is on steroids. It's right there, in his name. Consequently, he was one of the first mentioned by Radomski to the Senate committee.

By the way, the Mitchell Report, when rearranged yields the "before and after" affects of steroids:
Lilt -> Morph -> Erect!

Up for some Roid Rage Music?

Stroke 9 - Kick Some Ass

5 comments:

GM-Carson said...

How dare you attack these men? They were only trying to get ahead by cheating, so they could make many, many millions, to support their families, mistresses, and illegitimate children. I hope you don't live in a glass house.

J/K

Burton said...

True, all too true.
Alas, I am jealous. I had to dump both my mistresses (just before Valentine's Day too!), and move to a glass apartment. I tried cheating once, just to get ahead, but when I got caught, I actually received punishment.

GM-Carson said...

Punishment- novel idea!

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