Sunday, February 15, 2009

Major League Expansions, Part 3

Is there no room in Major League Baseball for 32 teams? Apparently not yet. In a perfect world, each state would be represented, but what would these teams look like? Parts 1, and 2 explored the eastern seaboard. This installment will look at potential teams from the central portions of the United States.

East North Central
Indiana - Indianapolis High Rollers
Mascot: Large man in a black suit, gold chains, smoking a cigar
Location of Field: Indianapolis
Uniforms: Black pants, Black jackets, White jerseys, Black vests, bow ties, Black cleats (Away), White pants, white jackets, white jerseys, red vests,red or gold ties, white cleats (home)
Reason for Name: A major money-maker for Indiana are the rivers that vivisect this state. Indiana has taken advantage of these rivers not only for trade and commerce, but for America's other favorite pastime: GAMBLING!

East South Central
Kentucky - Kentucky Blue
Mascot: A Big Fuzzy Blue Man Wearing a baseball jersey
Location of Field: Frankfort
Uniforms: Light Blue Pants, Blue Jerseys, Blue Caps
Reason for Name: Sure, yes, I could have chosen the Louisville Sluggers. Instead, I went for a more obscure phenomena that occurs in Kentucky. Nope, not Bluegrass (music), or bluegrass (grass) either, instead, I am referring to Kentucky's very own blue people. This is true; there exists a small group of people who carry a unique trait that generations ago turned their skin blue. Now the fun part, this group is still around and they are the poster-people for inbred populations.


Tennessee - Tennessee Frontier
Mascot: Davy Crockett
Location of Field: Nashville
Uniforms: Brown Pants, with leather chaps, brown jersey, coonskin cap
Reason for Name: Davy Crockett, "King of the Wild Frontier," was a native-born Tennessean. He was a very colorful individual, and one who captured the frontier spirit of 19th century America. Aahhh, Manifest Destiny! Go Frontier!

Mississippi - Mississippi Show Boaters
Mascot: Steamboat Pilot
Location of Field: Jackson
Uniforms: Blue pants, blue jersey with gold buttons arranged in two columns, naval cap
Reason for Name: The Mississippi River has long been associated with the steamboat trade, and now, tourist industries. In order to remain competitive, riverboat owners would advertise the biggest and best shows...This and Hayseeds, Rednecks, and Backwater was already taken.

Alabama - Birmingham Boll Weevils
Mascot: A large boll weevil (beetle) like this: ( except this team's will be purple)And for the heck of it, we'll call him Evel (as in Evel Boll Weevil), and he can perform stunts on motor bikes during the seventh inning stretch.
Location of Field: Birmingham
Uniforms: Dark Purple pants with black stripe, purple pin-striped jersey, cap with very long bill (as to resemble proboscis)
Reason for Name: Okay, first of all, it is Alabama. Secondly, they have a museum dedicated to the little beetle. This species of beetle devastatingly wiped out cotton crops across the state and nearly wrecked the state economy. This little bugger was so prolific, they even have a monument dedicated it.

A Little Trip Down the River...from one of the best bands EVER!!!

Credence Clearwater Revival - Proud Mary, Live

9 comments:

GM-Carson said...

Things learned from today's post- "vivisect" is a word (still not sure what the hell it mean), Kentucky has smurfs, and that I still love spelling "Mississippi" out loud.

Burton said...

vivisect - to cut into a living body. Sorry, I was going for a little poetic license. These rivers cut across the land of Indiana. Kentucky does have Smurfs, and Mississippi is by far our most fun state to spell.

GM-Carson said...

I used contextual clues to decipher the meaning, but thanks anyway B-Dizzle.

Mr. A-Hole said...

Fuck Kentucky!

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