Thursday, January 22, 2009

What I Would Do With $18 Million...

I am a man of modest means, and in my profession, will definitely remain so. If I have extra money at the end of the month, I am ecstatic. I know how I'd spend $100,000: I'd pay off the house, college loans, car, eliminate credit. But 1 million is a huge number. It is bigger than many people think. If you could travel back in time at a rate of 1 year per second, it would take you 11.6 days to go back one million years (Fun Fact: it would take you over 31.7 years to go back 1 billion years). One million inches is 15.79 miles. The moon is only 238,855 miles (384,000 km) away, so 1 million miles is 2 trips to the moon and back. One million is huge.
So take all these large numbers and multiply them by 18 (208.8 days to travel back 18 million years, 18 million inches is 284.22 miles, 18 million miles is 36 trips to the moon and back). Now you have a grasp of how large 18,000,000 dollars is, and hopefully, how ridiculous it is for Ryan Howard to ask for this amount in arbitration. This is the third largest amount offered since this process began in 1974 (Roger Clemens and Derek Jeter share the first and second slots respectively). The Phillies only offered $14 million, a $4 million raise. I can see where Howard would be pissed.
So here's the question, what would you do with $18,000,000?
Here's my list:

  1. First, I'd pay off my house, car, and other such sundry items. Let's estimate $200,000 for all that. Great, but boring. I still have $17,800,000.
  2. I'll be altruistic. I'll buy my parents' house, my mother-in-law's house, and pay off all their debts as well. So I'll set aside another $300,000. Oh, and a cool million to the charity of my choice. Again, great but boring. Let's have fun with the remaining $16,500,000.
  3. Okay, first I'll dump $1,192,057 on the most expensive street legal car: a Bugatti Veyron.
  4. Now that I'm lookin' good on the street, I gotta look good, so I'll get laser hair removal, and I'll do the works, bikini (I need to look good in my Speedo's), upper legs, back, ass, neck, and chest. But this only knocks off $3,450.
  5. I need a new house. Well okay three new houses. One in LA (I hate LA, but I'm rich enough now to buy a house and never live in it), one in PA (with a full basement and a pool table), and one in Scotland, why not. I am rich and eccentric. I'll dump $7 million into these and furnish them with the coolest shit.
  6. I still have $8,304,493 left.
  7. I am not going to clean these houses myself, so I'll hire a couple of Oompa Loompa's to clean each one; that and the idea of a midget butler is hysterical. I'll say a yearly salary of $75,000 per Oompa per year, and have 2 per house. That's $450,000 per year. I'll need to invest some money in order to keep this squad of Oompas, because I plan to live another 60 years or so, and I don't have $27,000,000. Do you think I am made of money? But that leaves me with $7,854,453 left to spend.
  8. I need a crocodile leather jacket, but that's only $20,000.
  9. I want my own private barista. If you have to ask what that is, you're obviously poor. I'll give him or her $100,000 per year.
  10. I'll need constant attention from a good ol' fashioned Swedish Masseuse. She'll get $100,000 or so per year as well.
  11. I want a volcano. A real one. How much for one of those Pacific islands? Well, there's one for sale in New Zealand for the low price of $2,649,471.02. Seriously...here's a picture of my very own island. This island is currently for sale by the New Zealand government, it is called Puangiangi, but not after I buy it.

  12. Think I'm finished? Nope, I still have $4,985,021.98 left to spend!
  13. Maui Mini Hotel is for sale right now for $1,800,000. I think I'll pick that up too. Might be a nice "Do-It-Yourself" job, something to do on the side, you know, clean it up.
  14. So what would I do with the remaining $3,185,021.98?
  • Solid Gold nose-hair trimmer, as this option was not availible for laser removal.
  • Monogrammed toilet paper.
  • Vibrating or warming toilet seats for each bathroom in each home.
  • Plasma Screen shower curtains.
  • I want games in the toilet too. Things I can aim at, maybe some sort of piss-fueled pin-ball game.
  • I'll get my mind out of the toilet, and speaking of the cranial area, I want $1,000 haircuts.
  • Pygmy Marmosets, I'll name one Puangiangi, in honor of my island.
  • With the money I'll have left over after all this, say $2,500,000, if I were to spend $1,000 a day, it would take me 2,500 days or 6.85 years for me to get rid of the rest of it. I could drop $100,000 a day, and that would only take me 25 days to spend it all.

So give Ryan Howard a break. I can understand why he wants $18 million. After all, who doesn't want or need any of this?



Notorious B.I.G.- More Money More Problems

24 comments:

GM-Carson said...

Fine piece of literature my fine fuzzy-headed friend. Bravo!

Burton said...

I just found out that one million dollars in singles weighs about 2204 pounds (literally a ton of money - 1.1 tons). So in $100s that works out to 22 pounds. $18m in singles = 39672 pounds or 19.8 tons. That is a shitload of money!

GM-Carson said...

That's like 10 Dumbos bro!

GM-Carson said...

Yo, B-Dizzle, you better save some of that cash to hire a lawyer, because you forgot about Uncle Sam's slice of the pie...taxes are a bitch!

Justin Evans said...

hahah great stuff

Reverend Paul Revere said...

Um, what the eff would you want a vibrating toilet for? Your wife? Seems like you'd get shit and piss everywhere with that.

GM-Carson said...

Burton is into some freaky stuff man, although I bet his wife would enjoy the ass-massaging toilet seat.

Burton said...

I was going for extremely eccentric with the vibrating toilet seats, although I see now that this is not a practical dream. I've read that we spend an average of 3 or 4 months on the toliet in a lifetime, may as well make it more comfortable.

Amanda said...

HAhha, awesome post. I'd buy Phillies season tickets for the rest of my life, my future kids life, my future grandkids life, and it would just go on for generations.

Jay Ballz said...

Good stuff, Hardball!

No Phillies Dream Week on there?

Jonathan said...

You forgot about the part where you gave 9 million to the government as an act of generosity (read taxes)

GM-Carson said...

1/2 for taxes...no way. More like a third, but B-Dizzle lives life like a bandit baby, always on the run, carrying a gun, macking ho's for fun!

Mel said...

I doubt Burton's wife would like the part about macking ho's for fun! He also forgot about buying a MASSIVE diamond for that sweet wife :)

Burton said...

Hey back off peeps! I've got $2.5million left over. In the words of Eric Cartman "Whatever! I do what I want! Whatever!" As for taxes, I could always "forget" to pay them. Hell, I may even wind up as Secretary of Treasury or something.

GM-Carson said...

Mel, you sound like a sweet lady. I'm sure he'll take care of you.

By the way, have you ever seen the Rocky movies?

Mel said...

Sorry GM-Carson... I'm a communist and don't believe in watching American classics.

Joe W. Linden said...

as trivial as it may seem, i'm extremely excited by the idea of plasma shower curtains.

... what would i do with 18 mil? chicken McNuggets. 72,000,000 chicken McNuggets.

GM-Carson said...

Out of all the commies I've ever met, you're the coolest Mel!

Burton said...

Oohhh...Nuggets. That's fun to say. You know, if you ate a nugget a second it would take you 2.28 years (or 833 days)to finish them. You'll need help eating these...I'll help.

GM-Carson said...

I'll help too, but I request honey-mustard dipping sauce.

Burton said...

Yes, definately honey mustard, or that Chick-Fil-A sause. I wonder if pygmy marmosets taste like chicken nuggets?

Jesus, now I am hungry...

GM-Carson said...

I'm always hungry. Seriously, I could eat until I die.

Joe W. Linden said...

fine you can help, but you each get one cup of honey mustard sauce. make it last.

GM-Carson said...

Stingy bastard aren't you?!