So take all these large numbers and multiply them by 18 (208.8 days to travel back 18 million years, 18 million inches is 284.22 miles, 18 million miles is 36 trips to the moon and back). Now you have a grasp of how large 18,000,000 dollars is, and hopefully, how ridiculous it is for Ryan Howard to ask for this amount in arbitration. This is the third largest amount offered since this process began in 1974 (Roger Clemens and Derek Jeter share the first and second slots respectively). The Phillies only offered $14 million, a $4 million raise. I can see where Howard would be pissed.
So here's the question, what would you do with $18,000,000?
Here's my list:
- First, I'd pay off my house, car, and other such sundry items. Let's estimate $200,000 for all that. Great, but boring. I still have $17,800,000.
- I'll be altruistic. I'll buy my parents' house, my mother-in-law's house, and pay off all their debts as well. So I'll set aside another $300,000. Oh, and a cool million to the charity of my choice. Again, great but boring. Let's have fun with the remaining $16,500,000.
- Okay, first I'll dump $1,192,057 on the most expensive street legal car: a Bugatti Veyron.
- Now that I'm lookin' good on the street, I gotta look good, so I'll get laser hair removal, and I'll do the works, bikini (I need to look good in my Speedo's), upper legs, back, ass, neck, and chest. But this only knocks off $3,450.
- I need a new house. Well okay three new houses. One in LA (I hate LA, but I'm rich enough now to buy a house and never live in it), one in PA (with a full basement and a pool table), and one in Scotland, why not. I am rich and eccentric. I'll dump $7 million into these and furnish them with the coolest shit.
- I still have $8,304,493 left.
- I am not going to clean these houses myself, so I'll hire a couple of Oompa Loompa's to clean each one; that and the idea of a midget butler is hysterical. I'll say a yearly salary of $75,000 per Oompa per year, and have 2 per house. That's $450,000 per year. I'll need to invest some money in order to keep this squad of Oompas, because I plan to live another 60 years or so, and I don't have $27,000,000. Do you think I am made of money? But that leaves me with $7,854,453 left to spend.
- I need a crocodile leather jacket, but that's only $20,000.
- I want my own private barista. If you have to ask what that is, you're obviously poor. I'll give him or her $100,000 per year.
- I'll need constant attention from a good ol' fashioned Swedish Masseuse. She'll get $100,000 or so per year as well.
- I want a volcano. A real one. How much for one of those Pacific islands? Well, there's one for sale in New Zealand for the low price of $2,649,471.02. Seriously...here's a picture of my very own island. This island is currently for sale by the New Zealand government, it is called Puangiangi, but not after I buy it.
- Think I'm finished? Nope, I still have $4,985,021.98 left to spend!
- Maui Mini Hotel is for sale right now for $1,800,000. I think I'll pick that up too. Might be a nice "Do-It-Yourself" job, something to do on the side, you know, clean it up.
- So what would I do with the remaining $3,185,021.98?
- Solid Gold nose-hair trimmer, as this option was not availible for laser removal.
- Monogrammed toilet paper.
- Vibrating or warming toilet seats for each bathroom in each home.
- Plasma Screen shower curtains.
- I want games in the toilet too. Things I can aim at, maybe some sort of piss-fueled pin-ball game.
- I'll get my mind out of the toilet, and speaking of the cranial area, I want $1,000 haircuts.
- Pygmy Marmosets, I'll name one Puangiangi, in honor of my island.
- With the money I'll have left over after all this, say $2,500,000, if I were to spend $1,000 a day, it would take me 2,500 days or 6.85 years for me to get rid of the rest of it. I could drop $100,000 a day, and that would only take me 25 days to spend it all.
So give Ryan Howard a break. I can understand why he wants $18 million. After all, who doesn't want or need any of this?
Notorious B.I.G.- More Money More Problems