Saturday, January 31, 2009

Even More Twins other than Minnesota

If the following pairs of people had been raised in the same home, I'm positive their mothers' would have confused them.

Boston Red Sox funnyman Manny Ramirez is the spitting image of St. Louis' own funnyman Redd Foxx.
Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. and the DM of DMB bear an uncanny resemblance. I hate to say it, but in 50 years, the world will still remember one of these guys...

Cole Hamels and Jim Carrey may appear to have the same eyes, the same shit-eating grin, and similar hair, but that doesn't mean that they look alike. Does it?

Does Survivor "star" Heidi Strobel and actress Jenny McCarthy {the significant others to Hamels and Carrey (respectively)}, look alike? I'm not sure. I'd have to sleep on it...

While we're in the Phillie's camp, one more striking similarity is between Kyle Kendrick and the character "Rocky Dennis" from the movie "Mask." It almost seems like the picture on the right is the High School photo (you know, when all go through that "awkward" stage) of the guy on the left. By extension, I suppose this means that Kyle Kendrick looks like Carrot Top. But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Next, a player who is so utterly insignificant, even his face seems to change on him: Will Cunnane. With a goatee, he is a dead ringer for post-crude-gesture-in-public mug shot Paul Rubens (Pee Wee Herman for you young kids). Without his facial hair, his face becomes a smooth plain, devoid of features, and therefore the "Journeyman of the Mound" looks exactly like Boomhauer of "King of the Hill" fame. He also looks a lot like the creepy banjo kid from Deliverance. His teammates better watch their rears...
One final set of twins...

We Go Together - Grease.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Major League Expansion, Part 1

Currently, only 18 of 50 states are represented in Major League Baseball. This leaves potential for at least 32 other teams, should the sport ever decide to expand (38 if our territories were included). But what would these teams be called? Today, we will examine potential teams from the New England and Middle Atlantic regions.

New England
Maine - Maine Crack Backs
Mascot: A giant lobster
Location of Field: Portland
Uniforms: Red Jersey, Red Pants with Black Pin Stripes, Red Cap

Vermont - Burlington Tree Tappers
Mascot - Giant Syrup Bottle
Location of Field: Burlington
Uniforms: White Pants with Brown Stripe, White Jersey, Red Cap

New Hampshire -New Hampshire Lumber Jacks
Mascot: Big Friggin' Lumberjack
Location of Field: Manchester
Uniforms: Blue Overalls, Red Flannel Jerseys, Red Toboggans

Connecticut - Hartford W.A.S.P.s
(White Anglo-Saxon Protestants)
Mascot: Man in Polo Shirt, Sweater Vest, Ribbon Belt, Khaki Pants, Loafers
Uniforms: Polo Shirt, Sweater Vest, Ribbon Belt, Khaki Pants, Loafers (Home) Boat Shoes (Away) - Colors Will Vary Per Game
Location of Field: Hartford, in a gated community
Team Services: Valet, Jet, Yacht Club, Heliport

Rhode Island - Rhode Island Red Cocks
Mascot: A Giant Chicken
Uniform: Red Jersey with Feather pattern, Two-tone pants - Tan on top, yellow on bottom, Red Cap (or Comb)
Location of Field: Providence

Middle Atlantic
New Jersey - New Jersey Warning
Mascot: Man in HazMat suit
Uniform: Catcher will wear a gas mask; Gray Jersey, Gray Pants, black pin stripes.
Location of Field: Newark
The future of baseball indeed looks bright, provided the opportunity is seized in a timely fashion. The game I can't wait to see are the Lumberjacks versus the W.A.S.P.s!!
Animaniacs - States and their Capitals

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Hottest Fans of the AL East

More Hardball wants to know who has the hottest fans in baseball. We'll be running a set of posts over the following weeks featuring images of each teams' hotties, with a voting poll to crown a champion. We're starting with the AL East and we'll continue through the rest of the American League, then on to the National League. Sticking true to Major League Baseball's roots, there will be an eight team playoff system where the winners of each division square off with addition of a wild card team to determine who wins the pennant and represents each league in the World Series of Hotness.

New York Yankees:

Boston Red Sox:

Tampa Bay Rays:

Baltimore Orioles:

Toronto Blue Jays:

Who has the hottest fans in the AL East?
Jays free polls

Digital Underground- The Humpty Dance

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Slow-Mo, Fast-Mo, & Homo

G2 is diet Gatorade, and they pegged Derek Jeter as one of their spokesmen. What the hell was he thinking when he read the line- "People like to watch the game in slow-mo, fast-mo, and every kind of mo there is."? He had to know that people we're going to go fire back with HOMO, because he's the Yankee's captain, stacking money high to the sky, and is the coverboy for everything MLB. In other words, I hate the bastard!

Of course, maybe he doesn't want to be discrete, as it seems he's pretty open with his relationships with teammates. Just look at him and Johnny Damon snuggle into each other...oh, the affectionate embrace of another man. It's heavily rumored that the Yankee organization made Damon shave him burly beard, but in fact it was Jeter who didn't like the man-scuff during nestling sessions.

Even Roid-Boy Roger Clemens is getting a poke at Jeter. Guess this brings a whole new meaning to Roger's nickname "The Rocket". And I think it's gonna be a long long time, Till touch down brings me round again to find, I'm not the man they think I am at home, Oh no no no I'm a rocket man...Elton John would be so proud.

Looky here, Sheffield getting a bit forceful with Derek. Hope there wasn't any restraining order filed after this close encounter. Seems Sheffield has got something cooking for Jeter...I'm sure it's warm and creamy.

So, Derek Jeter may be one helluva a baseball player (future Hall-of-Famer), but it looks like he gets around, leading me to believe he's also a player (with the boys that is). Go ahead, call me a "player hater".

Of course, I say all of this in jest, because Jeter has been linked to all these fine ladies in the picture above. I'm just an envious prick that hates the Yankees; I have no malicious intent, just looking for a laugh.

Boy George- Crying Game

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Touring the Museum of Baseball Oddities

It takes a lot to create a post. From the genesis to the fomentation of the idea, there is a lot of research involved, and a lot of searching for the perfect picture to use or alter. Every now and then, along my tripping through the Information Super Highway, I stumble across pictures that need no altering, or whose images often need no explanation. I have compiled some of the most random pictures I have found so far. Welcome to the Museum of Baseball Oddities...

Exhibit 1
~Jeff Bagwell's Stance~ Squatting Astro, Hidden Cannon

Does he plan on spanning the San Francisco Bay? I could sling a hammock between his knees! Seeing this picture, I am reminded of the famous cartoon of Cecil Rhodes (of British colonial fame) straddling Africa. I suppose this stance helped the former Astro's slugger's bag breathe well.

Exhibit 2
~Balls in Face~ A Gallery of Goofs

Exhibit 3

~The Obligatory Groin Shots~

Exhibit 4

~Gallery of Love~

"Cardinal Sins"
As GM-Carson said earlier, I have no problem with the athlete ass grab. But this is a little much. Is this the new greeting for major leagueres? "Hey man, how's it hangin'...Oh yeah, right there baby!" Is it the jock-equivalent of dogs sniffing asses? Having never been an athlete, I suppose I'll never understand that kind of male camaraderie.

"Chicago White, Sox"

Everyone has seen this picture, but it never loses its humor. It appeals to the 13-year-old eighth grader and the 21 year old college student in me. Who am I kidding, even at 29, this shit is still funny (I am that immature). It provides one of those rare instances where there is just too much that can be said, and not enough time...

Taylor Swift- Picture to Burn

Monday, January 26, 2009

An Arm Sag (Anagrams)

Anagrams have been used for centuries by cultures all over the world as a method of divining hidden truths in words (examples: dormitory = dirty room; the eyes = they see; desperation = A Rope Ends It). Here we will apply this ancient technique to some big names in baseball.

New York Mets = Worst Key Men
Does this need elaboration? Look at the Mets starters over the last few years...sure they're good, but they tend to be choke artists...Sorry boys.
C C Sabathia = A Bitch, A Sac

Yes, he's hot shit right now, yes he's the 2007 winner of the Cy Young Award, and yes, he's worth many millions, but neither the Indians nor the Brewers could effectively clinch a season with this pile on the mound. Also, using his entire name , you can tell that he isn't all he is cracked up to be...Carsten Charles Sabathia = I see brash charlatan scat.

Albert Pujols = Label: Just Pro
What dirt can possibly be found on this guy? He's a great baseball player, he dedicates time and money to helping impoverished families in the Dominican Republic (his native country), and he founded the Pujols Family Foundation to care for children and families with Downs' Syndrome. A true all-star player and human being. A pro, in every sense of the word.
Ed Wade = We Dead
Let's see. As Phillies GM, he brought the team some of their best players, but he never seemed to finish the job. So the Phillies fired him in 2005, and saw their stats begin to rise almost immediately. In 2007, Wade was named new GM of the Astros, and the team that nearly saw success suddenly received the Wade kiss of death.

Dustin Pedroia = I audited porns; Proud dainties; Did a Urine Spot
There are too many possibilities with this one, and each one seemed to be a window into the boy's soul. Who doesn't view the occasional porn? Plus the guy is a pretty boy and a much praised ball player (a proud dainty). And being the responsible blogger/journalist I am, I could not let the last anagram pass. It seems especially poignant in the atmosphere of today's professional baseball, for if he tests positive when he makes his urine deposit, he may find himself to be just another unpaid steroid (another anagram).

Eminem- My Name Is

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Signs of the Times

Poor JC Romero and Sergio Mitre bought over-the-counter drugs at a GNC, but are now facing the harsh penalty of 50 game suspensions. Romero also gets the hefty fine of $1.25M...chump change right? If my employer piss tested me and I failed it would be due to excessive amounts of malted hops in my system, as I don't trust a cotton-picking thing GNC sells...vitamins my ass, I'll stick to beer!

Ryan Howard is demanding $18,000,000.00 as his 2009 salary. As Burton so eloquently depicted earlier this week, $18 million is a buttload of money. Personally I do not feel he deserves to be paid that much, but what the hell do I know, I'm just a lowly scumbag blogger. Aside from the obvious mathematical difference of $4M, what's really the difference between the Phils offer of $14M and Howard's bogarting of $18M? A few extra Lamborghinis...c'mon, green jacket, gold jacket, who gives a shit?!

If I were a GM (wait, I am, aren't I?...shit, I'm confused now...anyway) I would be able to construct one kick-ass roster out of the scraps still left on the free agent heap. Manny Ramirez, Orlando Cabrera, Jon Garland, Adam Dunn, Jason Veritek, Oliver Perez, the list goes on an on. With spring training only about 3 weeks away, I wonder what some of these dudes backup plan is? They've all already pocketed millions, so maybe they go to Acapulco and sip some Coronas with lime and wait for their agent to vibrate their cell phone with "Good news! We tricked a team into paying you an outrageous amount of money." Dammit, I'm just bitter and jealous.

The man with Popeye the Sailor Man forearms, Mark McGwire, has been fingered (eww...gross!) by his brother as a steroids user and performance enhancing drug junkie. His moniker was Big Mac, and sometimes he'd launch bombs into the designated section at Busch Stadium winning Cardinal fans that sat there Big Macs from McDonald's. McDonald's is currently running a Big Mac promotion, where you can buy the double-stacked patty with a sesame seed bun and special sauce for $2, but the allegations hovering over Big Mac McGwire are keeping sales has nothing to do with the economy or anything.

Big Mac Rap