Is this an anal circus?

As if you couldn't tell, I love baseball. I've been a fan since I can remember. I remember watching games on tv when I was an itty-bitty boy more so than kindergarten. Anyway, over the years I've always had disdain for certain players. For example, Mark Lemke used to piss me off to no end. Now, I've decided to take a trip around the Majors and give you my all Ass-Clown team of current players. Feel free to add your own Butt-Jester to the list or argue one that I've placed upon mine.

Ass-Clowns:
C- Brad Ausmus (Hou.) because I've never heard a crappy hitter hyped so much.
1B- Lyle Overbay (Tor.) because he's so damn goofy lookin'.
2B- Marcus Giles (Atl.) because he too looks of the retarded persuasion.
SS- Derek Jeter (NYY) because he's the reason I did this blog post!
3B- David Bell (Mil.) because he's queer. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but he masquerades as a heterosexual, and that bugs the piss out of me!
OF- J.D. Drew (LAD) because you should sign with the club that drafts you! I'd throw a damn battery at his head right now if I could. Kevin Mench (Mil.) because anybody that wears a size 8 hat has gotta be an ass-clown! Rondell White (Min.) because you're always hurt.
SP- Curt Schilling (Bos.) because he's a pompous, self-righteous P.O.S.! Cory Lidle (NYY) because you're the damn ice cream eater! Josh Beckett (Bos.) because I just never liked you, plain and simple!
Relief- Ryan Franklin (Cin.) because I had the unpleasant experience of suffering through him for half a season, to have him leave and bitch about his "situation". Try this situation on Ryan...you suck!
Manager- Tony LaRussa (Stl.) because (see comments above for Schilling).

~Carson

Intro to Simple Machines: Pulley

We're punk fans and we're baseball fans. Finding a way to combine the two is magical! Scott Radinsky did just that. Not only did he pitch 11 seasons in relief compiling a 42-25 record, with a career 3.44 ERA, he also was lead vocalist for the Sounthern Cali punk band Pulley. Rock on brotha, rock on!

~Carson

Get 'em young

Check out all the flavors! Gotta try and hook these kiddos while they're young, so they can grow up and buy the real stuff. Only difference between the candy version and the real version, is the candy rots teeth, the tobacco is addicting.

What's next? Toy syringes that squirt yummy and gooey "clear substances" into your mouth. Or candy pills that make your head and muscles grow bigger. Keep up the good work fellas!

~Carson

This is Awesome!

My Staff:
Starter- Nolan Ryan/Rolling Rock
Short Relief- Goose Gossage/Miller High Life
Long Relief- Tim Wakefield/Natural Ice
Closer- Lee Smith/Yuengling Premium

*Please feel free to create your own staff.

~Carson

What's in a name?

Watching last night's Phillies/Cubs game a very funny pinch-hitter came to the plate in the form of Buck Coats. First thought was, is he related to Ben Coates on New England Patriots tight-end fame? Then of course I realize the last name is spelled differently and Ben was black and Buck is extremely white! However, my interest in this rookie grew so I did some research to find the following.

On June 23, 2006 police were summonsed to the residence of one Buck Coats for a domestic dispute. Fawn Parka and Doe Jacket were fighting over one Mr. Buck Coats and neighbors were worried things were getting out of hand. No charges were filed.

~Carson

Bite Me!

How is John Gibbons still the Blue Jays manager? He's challenged Shea Hillenbrand to a fight, and Shea has since been exiled. Last night he gets into a shouting match on the mound with Ted Lilly then proceeds to escalate it in the tunnel heading to the clubhouse. Does that mean Lilly is on his way out too? This guy has a "frat boy" mentality and needs to calm the hell down! Next thing you know, he'll be biting his players ears and punching them in the kidneys like Tyson. I personally root for the Lil' Macks of the world.

~Carson

Blisters

I am way past high school. I'm done with college. Hell, I've even finished up my required grad classes, but I'm still addicted to video games! My love affair started back in the mid-80's with old school Nintendo, that was merely puppy love. When I got pissed off one day and broke the controller and slammed the game console, it was time to move on to Sega. I worshipped Sega for a few years then technology made graphics better in the form of Playstation. Playstation was a quick fix until my current blister maker Playstation 2 arrived on the scene. Now, I don't have the money to be buying PS3 when it comes out, but God knows I'll be tempted, and my PS2 will start to get the hint that my eyes are wandering to something more enticing. Sports games continue to get more and more realistic. Baseball games used to be so simple back in the day, now it's practically like managing a real team when playing.

*Does anybody else play their gaming system to the point that they get blisters?

~Carson

Beam me up Scotty!

I want to take this moment to point out how absolutely bonkers a player is hitting. And it's all happening under the radar. Outfielder Luke Scott of the Houston Astros is an astounding 43-100 on the season. For you math geniuses out there, that's a Splendid Splinter like .430 batting average. His OPS is an ultra-impressive 1.181 as well. I for one would love to see him keep this up through the end of the season, because although he would not have enough at bats to be eligible for the batting crown, it would be amazing nonetheless! *Tip of the cap to Luke Scott!

~Carson

Be Ashamed!

Look at this floggin' idiot! Why in the hell would you agree to have your high school senior picture put on your first official baseball card?

Alan Embree is still around today, due large in part by his left-handedness. He's had a respectable career, but if more people knew about this baseball card, his career would go into unspeakable infamy!

Nice shirt assbag!!!

~Carson

Give me a hand...

*No wonder Cardinals' fans are considered to be the happiest group around...their team is gay! What the hell is his hand doing? It's stroking a stick, but not the one ya bat with!

*R.B.I. Baseball for the original Nintendo was the best baseball video game ever made...bar-none! The game is so good that I recommend restoring that old poor-graphic system just to play this game.

*Baseball really is life and the rest is merely frivolous details.

~Carson

Are You Serious?

Baseball cards used to be my favorite hobby. I have a dresser full of them sitting in my basement, and I love digging them out and just reminiscing. Cards are too complex, too expensive, and too plentiful now-a-days, so I don't bother with them. However, I still have my "old" ones from the 80's and 90's, and they have some pretty funny pics on them or random details about the players like: Joe Smith has a pet poodle and enjoys feeding it lime flavored jellybeans with his wife that has 3 nipples.

Seriously, why the hell would they make a baseball card like that? Pure entertainment baby!

~Carson

I'm a Barbie Girl

Remember when the Marlins were an expansion team way back in that magical season of 1993? I remember that season quite well because my beloved Phillies went to the World Series, and haven't been to the playoffs since. Well, the Marlins had lots of ups and downs, but have 2 World Series championships ('97 and '03) in their short history as a franchise, and that is nothing to snicker at. In fact, they just got done doing another "fire sale" and it's safe to bet they'll be in contention for the playoffs once again in '07 with a miniscule payroll (very unYankee like).

Anyway, back in '93 one of those expansion draft players for the Marlins was their second baseman Bret Barberie. He had a very brief career, but his two seasons in Miami were very solid, especially for an upstart team. I'm a Barberie-boy, in a F'd up world, a second baseman, great to be a Marlin fan.

~Carson

$The Rich get Richer$

Actually, the title should read: the richest get even more filthy rich! And who am I talking about? None other than that hated franchise known as the New York Yankees. Seriously, another trade deadline has come and passed, and the Yanks got exactly what they wanted. What about the Devil Rays, I'm sure they would have like Roy Oswalt. Or what about the Pirates, I'm sure they would have gladly given shelter to A-Rod. But here I am bitching about the Yanks getting even stronger and more expensive. Their payroll to start the season was somewhere in the neighborhood of $200 million...wow! Now add Abreu, Lidle, and Craig Wilson on to that figure. Not to mention other marginal players they've added to the roster during the course of the year (Guiel and Fasano) or just straight up released (Aaron Small). Oh yeah, don't forget all the bonuses for making the all-star team, winning undeserved gold gloves, finishing high in the balloting for league honors, and reaching certain performance levels...totally fricken outrageous!

~Carson