Sunday, December 31, 2006

Wild Gunman

Why haven't the police apprehended this man? Jose Rijo is obviously a menace to society with those guns. Someone needs to put a stop to his mindless killing spree. He many have won Cincinnati Reds fans over in the 90's with these fire-balling antics, but today's high-class upper-crust will not permit such lavish and careless brandishing of firearms.

~Carson

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Big Balls

This has to be one of the most ridiculous baseball cards I've ever seen. What in the hell is Matt Morris doing? He wins the Biggest Balls award in MLB for sure, because we all know his current teammate, Barry Bonds, has shrunken testicles.


~Carson

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Just Plain Silly

Once again I have come across a gem of a baseball card. This card is of Tim Flannery holding his surfboard while with the San Diego Padres. Flannery spent his entire 11 year career with the Padres, and that silly pose for this baseball card was in fact the high-point of his career as his life-time OPS of .652 suggests...he sucked. Hang 10 dude!

What the hell was Topps thinking when they made this card? The afro is flippin' awesome, but the headline is so corny that Del Monte wouldn't touch it. Oscar was one cool brother too, as he was with the Phillies from 70-72 and went on to smack 200 dingers.





~Carson

Sunday, December 10, 2006

All About the Benjamins

During the 2006 season, people talked about how lack-luster the free agent market was going to be this winter. They weren't wrong in their analysis either, as Barry Zito, Jason Schmidt, Barry Bonds, Carlos Lee, and Alfonso Soriano are/were the only marquee names out there, unless of course you count Jason Marquis. However, based on the dollar amounts being tossed around to mediocre/league average players, one would think that the market was flush with superstars...which simply isn't the case. I guess baseball economics is all about the benjamins, so I went and composed a list of outrageous contracts that some of these hiney-hoppers are being inked to.


Money Can Buy You A Whole Lotta Shit Team:



C- Henry Blanco (Cubs- 2 years/5.25 mil) he's only a backup catcher.

1B- Nomar Garciaparra (LAD- 2 years/18.5) he's only a name now.

2B- Mark DeRosa (Cubs- 3 years/13 mil) he's sucked all but one season of his career, that season happening to be '06.

SS- Alex Gonzalez (Cin- 3 years/14 mil) he cannot hit.

3B- I'm waiting for David Bell to get 3 years/30 mil.

OF- J.D. Drew (Bos- 5 years/70 mil) Beantown- welcome to your overpaid DL member. Gary Matthews Jr. (LAA- 5 years/50 mil) this is the poster boy for ridiculous contracts. Juan Pierre (LAD- 5 years/44 mil) he is a singles hitter, nothing more.

SP- Adam Eaton (Phil- 3 years/24.5 mil) he hasn't ever lived up to his potential. Gil Meche (KC- 5 years/55 mil) I guess the Royals have to pay more for being the Royals. Vincente Padilla (Tex- 3 years/33.75 mil) unless you want him for his amazing switch hitting skills, he's not worth 11 mil a season. Jason Marquis (Cubs- 3 years/21 mil) dude had a 6.02 ERA...this is just stupid.

RP- Danys Baez (O's- 3 years/19 mil) the only thing he's got going for him is that he's from Cuba. LaTroy Hawkins (Rox- 1 year/3.5 mil) since when is a reliever with a 4.5 ERA and 1.5 WHIP worth more millions?

~Carson

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Fun Game

Next time you're curled up with your significant other on the couch watching America's pastime, suggest a little game to spice things up. The rules are simple and the outcome is always good. Tell her you will kiss her on the strikes and she'll kiss you on the balls (great to play when Rick Ankiel is the pitcher).


~Carson

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Genitalia

Sometimes a name and a picture is all you need...this is one of those times. Dick Pole and Rusty Kuntz...wow!

~Carson

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Jugs

Welcome to the wonderful world of jugs.

The Jugs Machine- great for practicing your swings at various speeds and curves. Every worthwhile high school baseball program in the country has one of these so that the players can get their hacks in during those frigid winter months or on a rainy day. Also has been known to save many of coach's arms. Side note- Mike Piazza looks like a douche with that mullet and stache, doesn't he know this ain't the 80's.

Jugs- great for storing liquid substances like milk, water, or your favorite moonshine concoction. Where would the world be today without this revolutionary invention? Probably thirsty.

Last, but certainly no least, are my favorite kind of jugs...the ladies jugs! I love being a man. These jugs have many uses, as they can be used for feeding offspring, as pillows, or for pure pleasure.

~Carson

Monday, November 13, 2006

Reinvention

Current St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Chris Carpenter was just starting up his career in Toronto in 1997 just as the former St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Cris Carpenter was finishing out his career for Milwaukee in 1996. That leaves me with one question...is this the same dude? The answer is an obvious NO, but the correlation is astounding. Each pitched for the Red Birds and have nearly identical names and one came to be as the other disappeared. I think the original Cris the relief pitcher went on the juice during the '96 offseason and reinvented himself as the starting pitcher Chris in '97.

For those of you wondering the 1st/"old" Cris Carpenter lasted 8 seasons pitching mostly in relief, ending with 291 games pitched and a 3.91 ERA. The 2nd/"new" Chris Carpenter his a top-tier starting pitcher that has 1 Cy Young award possibly adding another soon. Still the similarities are enough to make a case for same dude.

~Carson

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Screw the Cardinals

The freakin' Cardinals just won the 2006 World Series. 83 regular season wins...that's it! A measly 83 wins and they managed to sneak into the playoffs and steal the World Series trophy. Am I jealous? I guess so. Am I disgraced? Abso-freakin-lutely! This just goes to show anything can happen in the playoffs. The shitty Royals could have won this World Series if given the chance. Yet, my Phillies sat at home in October with 85 wins...what the hell?!

To further my anger, is the fact that Scott Rolen will be wearing a World Series ring from now on. I want to dropkick that son-of-a-bitch in the head! It may appear that Scotty-boy is arguing with this umpire, but in fact he's participating in foreplay which leads to rough makeup sex after the game. H-MO!!!

~Carson

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Blame Kris Kross

By the looks of things on this album cover, it would appear those gangsta teen-agers that slayed some phat rhymes back in the day are New York fans. However, in the picture below they seem to be sporting favoritism to the Marlins. So which is it my fine young lads, The Evil Empire or the Miami No-Fans?

"Don't try to compare us to another bad little fad. I'm the Mac and I'm bad. Give you something that you never had. I'll make ya Jump Jump' wiggle and shake your rump. Cause I'll be kicking the flavor that makes you wanna Jump. How high? Real high. Cause I'm just so fly. A young loveable, hugable type of guy. And everything is the back with a little slack. And inside-out is wiggida wiggida wack. I come stompin' with somethin' to keep you jumpin'. R&B rap bullcrap is what I'm dumpin'. And ain't something about Kris Kross we all that. So when they ask to the rocks they believe that. Jump Jump. The Mac Dad will make you Jump Jump. The Daddy Mac will make you Jump Jump. Kris Kross will make you Jump Jump. uh huh uh huh."

I guess Mariano Rivera can now blame Kris-Kross for his (the Yankees) loss to the Diamondbacks via a bloop Luis Gonzalez hit back in '03.

~Carson

Friday, October 13, 2006

How I Really Feel

It is my God given right as a baseball fan to absolutely despise the New York Yankees. And believe me, I exercise that right. Simply put, once a player is acquired by the Yankees I hate them. Used to like Damon, now I hate him. Used to like Sheffield, now I hate him. Randy Johnson, Bobby Abreu, Steve Sax, Chuck Knoblauch, Steve "Cocaine" Howe...hate, hate, hate, hate, and HATE!
Why do I hold so much contempt for the Yankees in my calloused heart? They are disgusting! Steinbrenner goes out and seems to get whatever he wants, and when he doesn't get the desired results he publicly sulks...grow up pussy! Or he threatens to fire a manager that has been nothing but supportive of the organization and put up with all the crap that goes along with being in the New York lime-light.
Another reason I hate the Yankees- they're metrosexual, or as I like to put it...gay. Nothing wrong with being a boy-butt-bumper, but don't put on a huge charade as a straight man, when we all know damn well you like it in the pooper Jeter! Really, look at the picture and tell me they don't enjoy a little "bat" in the "2-hole"? The reason A-Rod isn't a fan favorite, is because he's not a big enough flamer compared to the eternal torches of Giambi, Jeter, and Rivera...all H-Mo's!
I hate their loud mouth fans with their annoying New York accents. I hate the media constantly knob-jobbing every thing they do. I hate unknowledgeable people assuming that if a player is a Yankee then they must be the 2nd coming of Babe Ruth or Cy Young. I just hate them, and I'm allowed to, so let me go on doing so, that way everything seems right in the world to me.
~Carson

P.S. If you really were offended by my joking comments, rather than entertained...than

Friday, October 06, 2006

Under the Radar

The typical baseball fan knows that Ryan Howard went ballistic with the stick this season. The typical baseball fan knows Albert Pujols rules the Continental US, Puerto Rico, Greenland, and the small African country of Djibouti. The typical baseball fan knows the usual suspects (Jeter, Ortiz, A-Rod, Manny, Clemens, Steve Jeltz, and others). However, the fanatical baseball fan, like myself, doesn't just scratch the surface. No, we recognize the lesser known players, the nobody's, the obscure, the ones that only their momma's know their names. These players may have only had a late season call-up, but did amazing during their playing time, and I have made a list of those players from the 2006 season. Here's my 25 man roster of faceless wonders. Think I could take this rag-tag crew to the playoffs?

C- Josh Bard, SD: .333/.926 OPS & Mike Redmond, Min .341/.778
1B- Ross Gload, ChiSox .327/.815
2B- Ryan Theriot, Cubs .328/.934 & Chris Gomez, Balt .341/.827
SS- Stephen Drew, Ari .316/.874
3B- Esteban German, KC .326/.880 & Jeff Cirillo, Mil .319/.784
OF- Luke Scott, Hou .336/1.047 & Pablo Ozuna, ChiSox .328/.809 & Matt Diaz, Atl .327/.839 & Jason Tyner, Min .312/.698 & Daryle Ward, Atl .308/.926
SP- Dave Bush, Mil 210 IP 12 W 4.41 ERA & Ian Snell, Pit 186 IP 14 W 4.74 & Chris Young, SD 179.1 IP 11 W 3.46 & Clay Hensley, SD 187 IP 11 W 3.71 & Chuck James 119 IP 11 W .378
RP- Brian Bruney, NYY .87 ERA & Matt Smith, Phi .87 & Dennys Reyes, Min .89 & Cla Meredith, SD 1.07 & Mike MacDougal, ChiSox 1.55 & Wes Littleton, Tex 1.73
CL- J.J. Putz, Sea 36 saves 2.30 ERA

*Minimum 20 innings pitched for relievers, 75 innings pitched for starters, and 100 at bats for positional players.

~Carson

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Same As It Ever Was?


















Playoff time is rolling around and guess who won't be making an appearance...the Atlanta Braves. Doesn't make me sad. Does it make you sad? Nah, didn't think so. October is just around the corner and the Tomahawk Chop won't be annoying the crap outta me this fall...thank goodness!

Not all is well in playoffville, as both New York teams made it. I hate the Yankees the most, but don't worry I still have enough angst left to throw some loathing the Mets way too. Both teams are probably considered the favorite to capture their league's perspective pennants, but God I hope not! Fellow blogger, Corey, foresees an all-NY World Series...yuck!

The NL Wild Card is still up for grabs, and if my Phillies make it, I probably won't be able to sleep the entire month of October. The Twins, A's, and Tigers are locks in the AL and I wouldn't mind seeing any of those teams in the World Series. The Cardinals are quickly withering in the NL Central with Houston nipping at the heels...time will tell how that plays out. The Padres and Dodgers look like they'll split the Wild Card and NL West division lead...but I hope the Dodgers severely blow up and falter these last 5 games!

~Carson

Thursday, September 21, 2006

You Play Ball Like a Girl!

There are many great baseball movies...61*, Bull Durham, Babe, 8 Men Out, Summer Catch, Major League (only the original), Rookie of the Year, the Rookie, Little Big League, Bad News Bears (once again original only), Fields of Dreams, Angels in the Outfield, For Love of the Game, and Debbie Does Dallas (ok, so that's porn). Anyway, you get the point...and I actually own almost everyone of those movies. If it's a movie about baseball, I'm down with it! Although all those movies have their own unique intrigue and entertainment value they simple do not measure up to the best. In my professional-amateur opinion no baseball movie comes close to the best of all-time...the Sandlot! The movie isn't only a great baseball movie, it's a damn good movie period!

"You're killing me Smalls, you're killing me!"

"I don't know who signed it...some Baby Ruth or something."

"Once that ball goes over that fence...it's gone FOR-EV-ER! FOREVER!"

"What the hell is he doing?"

~Carson

Friday, September 15, 2006

Pop Goes the Weasel


Peter Gammons is supposedly a baseball genius. I tend to be a skeptic by nature. Baseball Tonight on ESPN could have been a half hour show, but his endless stuttering created a time crunch, so they went to a full hour. This season ESPN tried using him as an in-game analyst...once again st-st-stuttering and the poor man wasn't allotted enough time to get his point across. Now I know I shouldn't make fun of Gammons because of the whole brain aneurysm thing...but I thought he was a doof before that. Reasons why Gammons is a dip-wad: 1. He called the Yankees signing of Octavio Dotel the best offseason free agent lockup (11.37 ERA, 2.84 WHIP, only 6.1 IP) . 2. He predicted Bobby Crosby to be the '06 AL MVP (.229 avg, .636 OPS, always hurt). 3. He slob-knobs the BoSox...disgusting.

~Carson

P.S. Gammons does have a saving grace...his decent taste in music. He loves to rock out with his c**k out!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Is that?


Tony Gwynn is one of my favorite players of all time. He has a funny squeak of a voice, pudgy belly, decent fro, and dude could hit (.338 career average)! He stayed loyal to the Padres, as he was a lifer...rare in today's game.

Recently, I thought he decided to make a comeback Julio Franco-style. However, it was the mini-me version of Papa Gwynn...his son Tony Gwynn Jr. Like father like son...Gwynn Jr. is now 8-16 (.500) in his brief career with the Brew Crew.

~Carson

Saturday, September 09, 2006

3-for-1?













Trivia: Garret Anderson and Tim Salmon have played for what team(s) in their career?
Answer: The Angels...California Angels, Anaheim Angels, and Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. So is that 1 team or 3 teams?
~Carson

Friday, September 01, 2006

Remember When?


In light of the recent storm that is camped out over the East Coast, I bring to you the double-header. Back in the day Major League Baseball used to purposely schedule double-headers for a rare ultra-fan treat. Heck, even recently rained out game would be made up as part of a double-header, where the games were played back-to-back and the fans got two for the price of one. But now in today's economically driven baseball world double-headers are as rare as a white boy in Harlem. And when a double-header does come up, they become day/night, where the fans have to have 2 separate tickets to each game so the organization can take in more greenbacks at the gate. I remember when I lived in Philly when the Vet was still around and I could go see a double-header for $8...ain't happening anymore brotha.

~Carson

Monday, August 28, 2006

Is this an anal circus?


As if you couldn't tell, I love baseball. I've been a fan since I can remember. I remember watching games on tv when I was an itty-bitty boy more so than kindergarten. Anyway, over the years I've always had disdain for certain players. For example, Mark Lemke used to piss me off to no end. Now, I've decided to take a trip around the Majors and give you my all Ass-Clown team of current players. Feel free to add your own Butt-Jester to the list or argue one that I've placed upon mine.

Ass-Clowns:
C- Brad Ausmus (Hou.) because I've never heard a crappy hitter hyped so much.
1B- Lyle Overbay (Tor.) because he's so damn goofy lookin'.
2B- Marcus Giles (Atl.) because he too looks of the retarded persuasion.
SS- Derek Jeter (NYY) because he's the reason I did this blog post!
3B- David Bell (Mil.) because he's queer. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but he masquerades as a heterosexual, and that bugs the piss out of me!
OF- J.D. Drew (LAD) because you should sign with the club that drafts you! I'd throw a damn battery at his head right now if I could. Kevin Mench (Mil.) because anybody that wears a size 8 hat has gotta be an ass-clown! Rondell White (Min.) because you're always hurt.
SP- Curt Schilling (Bos.) because he's a pompous, self-righteous P.O.S.! Cory Lidle (NYY) because you're the damn ice cream eater! Josh Beckett (Bos.) because I just never liked you, plain and simple!
Relief- Ryan Franklin (Cin.) because I had the unpleasant experience of suffering through him for half a season, to have him leave and bitch about his "situation". Try this situation on Ryan...you suck!
Manager- Tony LaRussa (Stl.) because (see comments above for Schilling).

~Carson

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Intro to Simple Machines: Pulley



We're punk fans and we're baseball fans. Finding a way to combine the two is magical! Scott Radinsky did just that. Not only did he pitch 11 seasons in relief compiling a 42-25 record, with a career 3.44 ERA, he also was lead vocalist for the Sounthern Cali punk band Pulley. Rock on brotha, rock on!

~Carson